Five years
My mind struggles to wrap itself around those two words -
But fails
It seems too much to believe that so much time could have past.
That grief did not cause time to stop
That five years' change has come upon us all
But not to her.
And her, what would she be now?
A student no longer, but moving on, growing up
A career? A musician?
Falling in love, as the rest of us are?
These changes should have been hers as well.
The great unfairness is that we cannot keep our lives from moving on
And cannot make hers move along with ours.
Yes, five years have past
I am not the same person I was five years ago
My sister, her sisters, we all of us have grown up
And she should have grown too, with us.
The tears, the unexpected tears, still come
Brought by some thought, some emotion, some memory
That brings me to this day
Five years ago
When grief, a stranger until then,
Broke in
Changing us forever
Taking from us forever
Her, whom we love so well
The shock, the numbing, overwhelming disbelief
Has faded
But what it's left:
The steady feeling of loss
The deep sorrow that never fades
The sadness that is a fact of my life
A part of my reality, informing my existence
No matter how many five years pass
She will not be thought of less
Will not be loved less
Will not be longed for less
Than she has been
Every day of these five years
And is today.

Anna Burnett
April 10, 2000